作文題目： “Women in the Modern World”

　　提綱：

　　1. Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today.____________

　　2. With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. ___________________

　　3. In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized.

　　___________________________

　　例1. (2分段)

　　??Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Long age, women only did something in the kitchen or at home. Now many of them have serious jobs to serve for people. What men can do so can women.

　　With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. Today in the family, the wife often lots her husband to do something at home bat ago, only women did something. Men are foned of doing something at home.

　　??In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened. In the factory the wonmen to as much as the men, but they are paid less than the men. Some people have not completely realized the liberation of women.

　　點(diǎn)評(píng)：條理不清，思路紊亂，大部分句子均有錯(cuò)誤，有的甚至影響理解。

　　具體問(wèn)題剖析：(1)缺乏邏輯，東一句西一句，沒(méi)有圍繞中心論述，如第一段就沒(méi)有展開(kāi)論述婦女社會(huì)角色的轉(zhuǎn)變，說(shuō)得太籠統(tǒng)而缺乏說(shuō)服力。

　　(2)用漢語(yǔ)思維，句子有明顯的漢語(yǔ)痕跡，如“What men can do so can women.”，應(yīng)改為“Women can do what men can do”。

　　(3)銜接不自然，沒(méi)有用適當(dāng)?shù)年P(guān)聯(lián)詞，如“Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened”，應(yīng)改為“The case that husband hits his wife often happens. ”

　　(4)拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤很多，大部分句子均有錯(cuò)誤。

　　例2.(5分段 )

　　??Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In today, many women have a work. They worked as well as men playing an important part in factories. There are many women in government also. They lead other people country, and make out plans. There are many scientist slso. They event new things to improve our life.

　　??With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In ancient, women’s position in family is pity. They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do. But now it is changed. They are equal to her husband. They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.

　　In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women’ likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I’m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.

　　點(diǎn)評(píng)：基本切題。但表達(dá)思想不清楚，連貫性差。有較多的嚴(yán)重語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤。

　　具體問(wèn)題剖析：(1)各段圍繞中心句論述不深入，沒(méi)有說(shuō)服力。

　　(2)銜接不自然，沒(méi)有用適當(dāng)?shù)年P(guān)聯(lián)詞，如第一段幾個(gè)句子之間可以用一些“besides”、“on the other hand”、“furthermore”、“in addition”等。

　　(3)語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤較多，很多句子不通順，如“In today, many women have a work.”應(yīng)改為“Today, many women get a job.”(濫用介詞);“In ancient, women’s position in family is pity”中pity應(yīng)改為pitiful(詞形誤用);“They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do.”中every 改為everything，how改為what(代詞錯(cuò)誤);“They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.”應(yīng)改為“They have the right to express ideas, discuss things with their respective husband, and do what they want to.”(人稱代詞前后不一致)。

　　例3.(8分段)

　　??Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Many Women today are playing an important part at works that was thought only could be done by the men before. For an example. Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company.

　　??With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In the world today, more and more women have their own job. They get their own salary, and become more independent from their husband. With the economic situation improved, their family position is improving.

　　??In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Many husbands only want his wife to stay at home, and do house works or do some shopping. They only want their wife to be a housewife, but not a manager of a company.

　　點(diǎn)評(píng)：基本切題。有些地方表達(dá)思想不夠清楚，文字勉強(qiáng)連貫;語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤相當(dāng)多，其中有一些是嚴(yán)重錯(cuò)誤。

　　具體問(wèn)題剖析：(1)論證不夠深入，缺少事例，缺少說(shuō)服力。

　　(2)文字缺連貫、且顯累贅，如第二段可以把各句再改得簡(jiǎn)練一點(diǎn)并且有適當(dāng)?shù)霓D(zhuǎn)承詞。(3)語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤相當(dāng)多，如“For an example”，“Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company.”應(yīng)改為“Some women are on longer secretaries in the office, instead, they become managers of the companies.”(單復(fù)數(shù))